Failed Event Therapy
After we have fully engaged in a healthy, full-fledged failed event and recognized its value, now what do we do? Therapy? When life’s challenges make the next step uncertain, many people turn to various types of therapy. Therapies range from physical therapy to psychological therapy, and spiritual, marital, family, therapy for dealing with death, birth, and other events may be difficult to handle independently. Here, we will share failure therapy facets; foundational theoretical counseling therapy, including ideas for addressing failed events and making it through the event in a fashion that ultimately capitalizes on the power of failure; indicators that signal when one might be able to move forward; and an assessment of the outcomes of the failed event and therapy process.
How do we counsel ourselves during and after the many micro and macro-failed events that we face every day. Keep in mind every failed event does not equal cause and effect success. We have shared examples of failed events and people who have succeeded afterwards in a prior blog post. However it is not our contention that if you fail, you will then automatically succeed. The motto, “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again” is simply that, a motto, and not a law of nature. This common phrase is one many of us have heard and repeated since we were very young. Although at times this quote has merits of encouragement, there are times in our lives when we did not observe success, even after many, many, many attempts. That is life. What does one do with the failed event afterward, in a productive sense? How do we know how many times to try before we give up, or more importantly, before we move forward or tangentially in a positive direction? How and when do we realize that we either never really wanted a particular path or we came to see that a different path was actually the best for us? Many times, there is a need to move in a specific direction. Very possibly there is no other way except to go through the failed event, which may enable each of us to reach the place we should be. I once heard a philosophy professor discussing a student’s question about whether we, as individuals, were ever certain whether we were making the right decisions and in the right place – the right job, the right spouse, the right place to live, etc. The professor’s reply to the student was very simple and, for some, it brought great peace. The response was, yes, you are at the right place, doing the right thing, saying the right words, everything is right. How do we know this? Because you are here, doing what you are doing. If it were the wrong thing, in a greater, holistic cosmic sense, you would not be doing it. So, simply because an event is occurring, it was meant to be. Maybe this philosophy is an accurate depiction of events in the universe, but we will leave that decision up to you, as we share typical facets of failure therapy.
Failure Therapy Facets
Several major facets appear in each case of failure therapy, although certainly every one’s specific failed event and subsequent means of addressing it will vary. The following facets are offered as an overarching guide to steps in failed therapy.
- Fully identifying the failed event may be the first and most important step. This step is not altogether uncommon in therapy. Many therapy groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous state that recognizing your involvement in the event may be the most important first step. This step is the starting point because genuine reflective response to an event seldom results if one does not acknowledge its existence and potential for persistence;
- After a failed event is identified, working toward systematic sequential discovery of each event leading up to the climax or realization of the failed event should follow;
- Applying low threshold application of self-talk may further the self-realization process. The days of talking to oneself as an indicator of insanity are part of history. A healthy self talk, recalling the situation, processing what occurred, why it occurred, and factors like how, who, where, are positive forms of realizing our status. However, responding to yourself as if you were another person may be another situation;
- Identifying support, such as a colleague, a group, or other social scaffold may enable us to realize our event is more common than we thought. This realization frequently leads to a greater acceptance and a more efficient path to understanding, accepting and implementing next steps;
- Making connections among prior multiple failed events and our current and future situation gives us the insight and reflection to realize we have arrived at our desired destination and the journey was paved with failed events. We benefit from knowing that these were necessary events in order to guide us to where we belong and most want to be;
- Acquiring the fortitude at the juncture of each failed event to build on the decision-making trees that we need to compare the data and make critical evaluations of the next steps is an essential step; and
- Cultivating the wherewithal to determine when to move forward, when to hold, and when to settle in the aftermath of a failed event is an important stage. Recall that settling is not defeat, but is merely a mindful decision that progress in that direction is not to be.
So, it’s all this easy, right? Absolutely not. How do we distinguish between failed events towards a goal (try, try again…) and ones that signal to us to up? How do we know? What are the specific signs? Will it become clear as we near the edge? Will we misinterpret the data? Will we ever be completely certain? Will we have regrets? Life a series of ambiguous moments and the best we can hope for is to gather as many of those positive, happy moments together and capitalize on those times. So, no, it’s not easy – nor would we want it to be. Although at times we wish life could be easy, simply put it’s not, never has been and never will be. This is a cliché, yes, but ‘nothing that comes easy is typically worth much’.
Mindfulness is a habit of mind that unites many of these facets. Mindfulness, an awareness of one’s thoughts, is referred to in Buddhism as correct or right-mindedness and is seen as an essential step in developing wisdom. In the case of failed events, wisdom about their meaning and lessons paves the path toward a positive outlook on the events and their contribution to our happiness. We can progress on the path of wisdom by cultivating mindfulness through conscious recognition of thoughts about failed events, letting go any thoughts that reduce our passions and energy. Added advantages of mindfulness are that it can reduce stress by centering our attention on the present in an accepting and non-judgmental way and that it can be practiced any time!
Resilience is a set of characteristics that apply the principles and prepare us to “bounce back” in a healthy way from an event that we could see as either a set back or an opportunity. Resilience tends to be stronger in people who are able to navigate through life’s challenges and find success. People who are resilient can adapt in healthy and positive ways to events. Developing resilience involves having a positive meaning in life, having goals, and having problem-solving skills. All of these contributors to resilience are within our control, at least to some extent. Other related factors are a sense of belonging, involvement and connection with others. Taking control of this factor can entail more extensive reorientation of one’s activities and associations. Both resilience and mindfulness are found as strategies in counseling therapies.
The goal of a therapeutic stance is not to search for the easy path, but to embrace the challenges as well as the failed events. Gathering data from the events helps us direct and redirect our life, passion and energy towards our ultimate quest – an increase in happiness in the world. A word of caution: happiness, true happiness, as a goal is not for the faint of heart. Many people would like to dance, but are reluctant to pay the fiddler. True individualized happiness requires sacrifice, self-reflection, honesty (to oneself, most importantly), discomfort, moments (or extended periods) of pain, indecision, and RISK. It is evident why many people are not truly happy or have compromised their happiness for security, friendship, societal norms and parental approval – many of the alternatives to these are painful. Much work has addressed these concepts, especially the concept of happiness, well being and how we all might arrive at these points.
