Theoretical Counseling Failed Events
Here we share how we can concretely make connections between how we behave before, during and after failed events and the foundational principals of counseling therapy. In context, how do we use the theories of therapy to be reflective and metacognitive? Which of them can assist us in identifying failed events and more efficiently turn them into meaning for us? Included in this section are major counseling models and theorists, such as the psychoanalyst (Freud and Alderian); humanist (Rogers); existentialist (Frankl), gestaltist (Perl), behaviorist; positive psychologist (Seligman) and cognitive behaviorist (Ellis). For each theoretical model, we define specifically how failed events apply and provide tools for beginning the self-talk of diagnosing the next step following a failed event.
Psychoanalysis Therapy (Sigmund Freud, 1856-1939)
Sigmund Freud may be one of the most common names associated with psychology and therapy (in early 2009, a Googled Freud resulted in over 20 million hits). Freud is commonly associated with sexual theories, including his notion that sexual desires were the most important attribute driving all of human behavior. In essence, Freud believed that people are irrational, sexual and bad. He idealized a structure of human behavior and decision-making based on a few core beliefs: our development revolved around psycho-sexual parameters, including what he termed the Oedipus complex (from the Greek tragedy by Sophocles, love for mother, jealousy for father) and our personality is structured as the id (immediate self-gratification), ego (tries to address the id sensibly), and the superego (opposite of id, sense of wrong). His approach to therapy concentrated on historical events in one’s life, some of which may be repressed or unrecognized. The events are a constant and driving part of their behavior. Freud believed if he could find a way to bring out those inner thoughts, regardless of their content or the method that brought them out (even using substances such as cocaine), the patient could realize control the past events had on current behavior. Subsequently, the patient might be able to rationalize these thoughts and take more control of their influences. As a way to deal with the events in our lives, he suggested that we rely on the defense mechanisms, such as denial and suppression. Ironically, one of his often-cited unsourced views, “sometimes a cigar is just a cigar,” indirectly lead to his assisted suicide, after being diagnosed with oral cancer due to his cocaine and cigar smoking habit.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? Whether formally or informally one way to utilize the theoretical aspects of Freud is to self-evaluate. Understanding our past, childhood, development, and relationships can be a powerful tool in understanding our reactions and responses to our current life dilemmas. The intent of this book is not to endorse or support any of the theories presented by others, but to showcase possibilities in hopes that you can identify with one or more theory and then use its principles to guide action. Regardless of whether you believe wholeheartedly in Freud’s derivation of our behavior in sex, or our mothers, or the drive to either protect one’s phallic or own one, is tangential to the point. Using this therapy in our own lives is to research, reflect on our developmental years and be honest about what occurred. If we initiated our decision-making as a youth in an environment which capitalized on the Id, then we might be prone to experiencing life in an immediate way, subsequently desiring more immediate feedback and therefore feeling a drive to make decisions on the feedback more regularly and quickly. If the feedback provides data that a failed event may have occurred, and we continue to operate in the id level, we may simply forego a decision or scenario and move on to another. Again, we do not judge or evaluate. Rather, we share possibilities for venturing into our own selves to explore how our lives revolve/evolve/devolve around failed events and how who we are affects how we deal with the events.
Adlerian Therapy (Alfred Adler, 1870-1937)
Initially a collaborator of Freud’s, as often happens, Adler came to represent a threat to Freud. Freud did his best to convince others of Adler’s flaws, albeit unsuccessfully. Unlike Freud, Adler’s belief was that man was inherently neither good nor bad, but he has complete autonomy to make the decision of value for himself. In this view, he believed that everyone is an individual capable of making life decisions; therefore we are in ultimate control of our own destinies and participation in failed events and/or successes. While developing, Adler believed, we are aware of our limitations or “inferiority complex”, which we attempt to overcome by “striving for superiority”. Some adults, whom we allow to influence us, provide us with tools, such as morals, ethics, and values, from which we, as young adults, select for our belief system. His theories were later extended into the Maslow’s developmental hierarchical model, based on gaining various environmental and emotional perspectives on our way to self-actualization (a component of Freud’s super-ego). He also thought that birth order was a critical factor that helps in the development of our personalities. Alfred had early childhood challenges, including rickets, and he could not walk until he was four years old. He had a near terminal case of pneumonia when he was five. He had his share of early exposure to failed events.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? There are two distinct quotes from Adler that may help us in identifying how we might use his approach to address our failed events. The first one,”Meanings are not determined by situations, but we determine ourselves by the meanings we give to situations,” is from What Life Should Mean to You (1937). He was sharing the notion of context and the proposition that how we define, relate with and react to our environment is key to who we are and who we become. Realizing that we make meaning in relationship to our surroundings and not in isolation can be a powerful contributor to how we position ourselves in times of potential failed event scenarios. Donald L. Finkel’s book, ‘Teaching with Your Mouth Shut”, (2000) exemplifies the contextualized person in his description of teaching. Finkel says that, that we cannot teach anyone anything, instead we can only provide an environment in which they can learn. This approach to therapy can improve the outcomes of our failed events by intentionally giving meaning to the failed events, and more importantly, by illuminating how we give meaning to the failed event itself. This notion of meaning in failed events is a hallmark of this book. If we give significant positive meaning to failed events, then we can likewise give positive meaning to the response to the event.
The second quote which pertains to how we might use Adler’s approach is, “Man knows much more than he understands,” from A Primer of Adlerian Psychology: The Analytic-Behavioural-Cognitive Psychology of Alfred Adler (1999) by Harold H. Mosak and Michael P. Maniacci. This quote reminds us that even in times of failed events, we most likely know more about ourselves and the event than we are able to consciously understand/comprehend. This good news provides us the ability through self-reflection, self-talk and our metacognitive abilities to pursue the answers within ourselves. Having this ability to recognize and possibly resolve, or at least determine next steps following, a failed event should be very good news that makes us more independent, more efficient and more responsive to our needs, fulfillment and positive outcomes. All of these realizations give us more data points in support of embracing failed events.
Humanistic or Rogerian Therapy (Carl Rogers, 1902-1987)
Carl Rogers began a distinctively different view of counseling therapy, which focused on the whole person, not an illness, when his shift from using terms like ‘psycho’ to counsel gained popularity amongst the mainstream of psychology. His notion that ‘perception is reality’ gained acceptance and many followers both understood and embraced this ideology as personal and entwined in our view of the world and each other. He encouraged counselors to allow their clients to set the course and share what they are thinking, instead of leading them into possible categories. He believed people innately know their struggles, and all that many need is a comfortable environment in which to self-explore. This belief integrates into practice both of Adler’s quotes mentioned earlier: we know more than we understand and we determine meanings we give to the comfortable situations. Rogers believed that silence is important and a good counseling session is one in which the counselor listens a major portion of time, using the other time repeating and rephrasing what the person is saying. This strategy encourages self-talk, as the person hears his thoughts expressed and can reflect on them. Over time, the individual can become more autonomous by repeating his thoughts out loud. One of Rogers’ other beliefs was the focus on ‘client-centered counseling’, which is a basis for other centered philosophies, such as education’s “student-centered learning”. Carl’s first career choice was agriculture, then the ministry and ultimately, after a mission trip to China in his early twenties, he realized his passion for teaching and he entered Teachers College, Columbia University, on the path to becoming a professor at the University of Chicago.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? Rogers’s book, On Becoming a Person (1961), shares a message that is very tightly connected to the essence of this book and failed events. He states,
“Experience is, for me, the highest authority. The touchstone of validity is my own experience. No other person’s ideas, and none of my own ideas, are as authoritative as my experience. It is to experience that I must return again and again, to discover a closer approximation to truth as it is in the process of becoming in me. Neither the Bible nor the prophets — neither Freud nor research — neither the revelations of God nor man — can take precedence over my own direct experience. My experience is not authoritative because it is infallible. It is the basis of authority because it can always be checked in new primary ways. In this way its frequent error or fallibility is always open to correction.”
This philosophy is essential to the premise of this book, for it is only through full experiential occurrences – the full experience – of failed and successful events – that we are validated in our choices, our decisions and our choices of the next steps in our lives. Therefore the way in which we can use Rogers’s theories is to embrace full experience – step out there in the world and connect, reconnect, embrace and experience it all. It is certainly nice to read, discuss, and view events, but to realize life and our potential to be who we are, we all need to delve into the experience.
Existential Therapy (Viktor Frankl, 1905-1997)
Existential therapy is the belief that human beings are alone in this world. Many people equate feeling alone with feeling lonely and possibly depressed. The way around feeling depressed is to find meaning in life, which stems from our decision to identify what is of value to us. These value decisions may reduce our anxiety, fears, or worries about the world. Frankl’s belief was much more open than his predecessors, in that he thought everyone has a choice, and regardless of the selection, we all choose from among available options and then we live with those decisions. In making these choices, we need to find meaning that connects somehow to our lives. Everyone is ultimately responsible for her own acts and decisions. These beliefs were distinctly different than Frankl’s predecessors, who believed there were set procedures for successful counseling sessions. Frankl, himself, his wife and parents endured time in a concentration camp, and they observed firsthand people giving up and chosing to die, while they chose to live. His wife and parents were killed while in concentrations camps. It was while observing others’ suffering that it became very apparent that even through life’s most terrible events, there is the possibility of meaning. Viktor remarried, had a daughter, and spent the last years of his academic life as a Visiting Scholar at Harvard University.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? During Frankl’s time in the concentration camps, he found two and only two types of people, regardless of ethnicity – decent and non-decent. One way to apply this therapy for failed events is to understand who we are and whom we have become based on how we reacted to the failed events in our lives. One way to view humanity is to believe that people are either born decent or non-decent; another way is to believe that we each have a choice, a self-determining option to discover. True, many will claim that we are all not equal in our development, physically, psychologically, or environmentally. However, we are all presented with events, and after each event, we have the option to determine how we will feel about it, how we will respond to it and ultimately what the event will do to us now and in our future. Possibly failed events provide us the opportunity to determine whether we are decent or non-decent and if we are one or the other, then future failed events can sway us to the other side.
Secondly, Frankl noted that although the Statue of Liberty on the East coast of the United States was nice, a second statue commemorating the responsibility that comes with liberty would be ideal. He suggested that a statue of this type be built on the West coast to create a bookend model for the country. One application of this therapy model is to identify our individual level of responsibility in life for our treatment of each other and ourselves. Do we have an equilibrium of liberty/freedom and what we do with that freedom? Is it the best path to create meaning by helping others, adding value to them, society and ourselves?
Note: there were plans to construct a Statue of Responsibility, however, as of 2005, only about one million of the projected $300 million were for this project. (http://www.sorfoundation.org)
Gestalt Therapy (Frederick (Fritz) Perls, 1893-1970)
The word gestalt in German means “shape” or “figure”, lending credence to the belief that Gestalt theory focuses on the visual shape and recognition of things holistically instead of a collection of its parts. This concept is important because of theory that our brain is capable of making sense of things altogether instead of in components, which you may recall from the brain research section of this book. Max Wertheimer is thought of as the father of gestaltism and the concept introduced by Christian von Ehrenfels. Frederick Perls coined the term gestalt therapy, which has little to do with gestalt as defined by the German derivative. We presented the gestalt information to shed light on the origins of the term, and also to remind us of the significant tangents often taken when discussing and developing theories. Perls developed the Gestalt prayer, which encouraged people to live in response to their own needs and not project unto others.
I do my thing and you do your thing. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, And you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you, and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, it’s beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped. (Perls, 1969)
Gestalt therapy opposes directly many of the prior therapies presented in this section in that Perls believes that we do not have to look into our past to assist ourselves in the present or future, but we should focus on the present. Fritz was born in Germany, immigrated to South Africa where he served in the army, then moved to New York, to California and finally to Canada before dying of heart failure in Chicago.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? Using a gestalt therapy approach enables us to take a very different view of how we process our failed events – in an ‘I’ll do my thing, you do yours’ approach. At times, we choose to live in service to others, be it parents, spouses, friends, or colleagues, – in successes as well as failed events. This approach allows us to separate those occurrences and capitalize on playing the game on our own field by ourselves. We have nothing to prove and nothing to be ashamed of if we do not find ourselves acting or succeeding as we might hope others perceive us. Some people do not like competitive team sports because of this phenomenon. Some activities in life pit us against ourselves and our personal best from a prior attempt. If we allow ourselves to view our failed events in this personal manner, minimizing the variables of others’ thoughts and opinions, we might be better equipped to embrace the events in a very different way. In addition, encouraging the present, living in the moment, and not dwelling on past failed events is a Perlsian approach.
Behavioral Therapy: (Burrhus Frederic Ferdinand [B.F.] Skinner, 1904-1990)
In essence, behavioral therapy is defined inherently in the term behavior. According to this theory, our internal functions can be determined by observing our outwardly exhibited behavior, without delving into our minds and thoughts. In order to alter our behavior, our environment is modified, making the environment critical in this therapy. Skinner took an operant conditioning approach to behavioral therapy, believing that a cause-effect system is generated. He referred to this system as a token economy, in which positive behavior is rewarded through the reinforcing effect of a ‘token’ that is valued. This approach is frequently associated with the well known classical conditioning work of Ivan Pavlov and his dog Pavlov presented a dog with food while ringing a bell, causing salivation. Through enough trials, Pavlov’s dog could be conditioned to salivate by the presence of the bell alone in the absence of food. We have seen through behaviors that people react to situations differently and, at times, their responses may not be the most optimal. Typically these responses depend on prior knowledge and background with similar stimuli. Behavior therapy can help identify which specific behaviors may not be as effective in a person’s life and accommodate those particular behaviors with ones that might prove more useful to them. Overt modeling of appropriate positive behavior can be an effective method (Bandura, 1986), as long as the outcomes can be seen and are measurable. Skinner was born in Pennsylvania, attended college in New York attempting to be a writer, but through honest and critical self-reflection, realized that was not where his talents lied. He entered Harvard as a graduate student of psychology, invented the “Skinner box” and earned a PhD. He married, had two daughters and taught at the University of Minnesota and Indiana University before returning to end his career at Harvard University. He died of leukemia and is buried in Cambridge, Massachusetts.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? Capitalizing on the failed events of others may be one of our favorite ways to engage in these events, and the theory behind behaviorism promotes this approach. Being active observers of our environment and intentionally adding these events to our schema, our way of thinking, and our way of operating can become an important and effective, let alone less painful, way to interact with potential failed events. Skinner’s approach of rewarding positive behavior obviously has an alternate possibility: when one does not receive rewards if the event is not acceptable, this outcome could be viewed as a failed event. Consequently, the best way to use this therapy is to fully utilize our senses to gather data on what works and was does not work for others. Keep in mind this approach does not necessarily set up a cause/effect system. There might be times when you select to take a particular path even after you have observed another’s end in a failed event. The reasoning could be that you believe you could do the event better, handle the outcome better, or feel the need to feel the failed event’s impact. Skinner’s read on failed events was, “A failure is not always a mistake, it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances.”
Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy (Albert Ellis, 1913-2007)
The goal of cognitive-behavioral therapy is to modify behaviors by implementing a process-oriented approach using data to help people counsel themselves into alternate behaviors that they believe are more appropriate. Basically, our irrational ways of thinking have outcomes that may be undesirable, so by changing the way we think, we can change the coordinating outcomes. This view contracts with Einstein’s definition of insanity: “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” Therefore, the intent is to concentrate on our thoughts, not necessarily the feelings. Albert Ellis is considered by many to be the second most influential psychotherapist in history (first is Carl Rogers and third is Sigmund Freud). Ellis said, “Freud had a gene for inefficiency, and I think I have a gene for efficiency”. Ellis was born in Pennsylvania, by a self-absorbed, bipolar mother (his description) and emotionally distant father. He was a sickly child with kidney disease, tonsillitis, and strep infection. During his first year in college, he used his own therapy to reduce his fear of girls, by forcing himself to talk to over one hundred women in a botanical garden in one month (although he did not secure a date – a failed event?).
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events? This approach may be appropriate for the analytical individuals, who can identify, track and document their behavior in a systematic way and then respond to the data accordingly. However, for those people who may approach life more on intuition, this may be an approach to try, and it may result in a failed event – one to review and add to their capabilities. Above all, cognitive-behavioral therapy advocates for intentionally monitoring our behavior and either continuing in that path because we are prepared for these adventures, or changing our directions because we have decided that it is not the best path for us at this time. With respect to failed events, Ellis stated, “Most people would have given up when faced with all the criticism I’ve received over the years.” Instead of giving up, he continued to develop his own methods and belief system by using his own therapy.
Positive Therapy (Martin Seligman)
Positive psychology was established in 1988 in an effort to balance the emphasis in therapy on people’s emotional and psychological problems with the aspects of their lives that bring them satisfaction. The positive approach encourages people to depend on their strengths and sources of empowerment to counteract their challenges. The work of positive therapy is in first recognizing one’s strengths and then in developing them, both for healing in the aftermath of a damaging event and to position one for better responses to future failed events. More than focusing on illness and health, positive therapies build virtue, love, growth, play, learning and insight. Its goals are to help people prevent catastrophic failures through learned optimism.
How can we use this Therapy for Failed Events?
Repeated failed events can increase our sense of hopelessness, making us less likely to view a failed event as an opportunity to learn and improve our capacities. Positive therapy is a way of replacing hopelessness through the focused development of individual strengths. Each of varies in the degree to which we have various strengths. The positive approach helps to leverage our strengths and to develop other strengths. We can begin by looking for reasons to smile and laugh more, whether it is about life or ourselves. We can also consciously seek reasons to be appreciative and optimistic in daily life.
